How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation – Episode 37

...a funny thing happened to me on the way to...

Episode 37 December 6 – I had a fabulous sleep last night and was only interrupted around 6:15 by a lot of activity in the room.

Denise was back as my day nurse. It’s a bit of a truce today regarding the curtain wars because for at least one day everyone in the room is coherent and conversant. In fact, at one point last night, Catherine came and told everyone it was time it was time to shut up and then she turned the main lights off. She was like the counsellor at summer camp.

Gerry was discharged this morning after breakfast and I promised to say hi to Dad before him.  This means that I get to enjoy view of the Vancouver waterfront until they bring in a new post-op rookie later this afternoon.

The other two women in the room, Joan and Vicki Starfire (She’s a palm reader and marketing consultant so the name sort of makes sense.)  have already come to the conclusion that I have been here too long because everyone knows my name. No, it’s not Cheers and I’m not Norm. It’s bad enough that staff all know me, there’s even the sales rep from a Swedish dressing company that knows me. Even more of a coincidence, when we got to talking she remembered from my Regency Medical days in twenty years ago. I need to get out of here.

Just before lunch Denise took my glucose reading and it was down to 4.6. Also another nurse decided to come and stab me. Actually, after a discussion, Dr. Haaf and I thought it would be a good idea to get a flu shot. (Note: I do not want get into any debates regarding the flu shot or any other vaccine.)

Joan got paroled just after lunch and headed back to Whistler. I have to admire Joan; she was wise enough to time her knee replacement so she finished one golf season and should be ready to get back on the links by the spring snow melt. With Vicki out for x-rays for about thirty minutes I had the entire ward to myself.

Denise has found a way to get revenge on me for the curtains. The sling they use to lift me into the chair has loops that hook on to lift from behind my shoulders and back, two that go under my upper thighs and the final two cross under my thighs and between my legs. She always seems to get them placed just right to optimize the discomfort in the nether regions. Talk about a nutcracker!

Denise’s partner in crime for my lifts today has been Nelson. Nelson is so hard done by. He was apparently complaining all day yesterday that his girlfriend was dragging him to see Cirque du Soleil’s “Amaluna” last night. Of course, he loved it. Meanwhile, I’m sitting knowing I had a ticket for this Saturday afternoon. Nelson is so whipped that now his girlfriend is forcing to fly to Riviera Maya tomorrow. Let’s all let out a collective “Poor baby”. I hate him! ;-)

Although I did not receive any physio today, Jennifer, the senior physio did come and explain the plan for tomorrow and next. Next week I move to 90° range of motion. Tomorrow they are going to experiment again by using the overhead lift to pull up my knee instead of the students lifting them manually. I love being a guinea pig!

I must be burning a lot more calories because I am actually getting the growlies before dinner time. Speaking I had to laugh when the dinner fairy came by and the choices were ham or chicken and after I chose ham she asked if I wanted chicken or pork gravy. What the hell would be the difference? The shade of brown, perhaps?  It’s all just flour, water and fat.

A new woman,Cheryl, moved into the bed in the opposite corner, another post-op knee replacement.  She’s a bit younger than most others around here, probably in her late forties or early fifties judging by her two visitors, her son and her mother.

I did my good deed for the day. I had noticed a younger woman walking up and down the halls with her walker several times today. At around 8:30, came into my room because she saw me on my laptop. She introduced herself as Shannon and told me she was a hip replacement patient. Then asked how she could get on to the internet. When I explained how she asked if she could bring her laptop in so I could set it up. When I asked her how much longer she was in for, she told me only another day but she just wanted to check if any had sent her any messages on FB. I then told rather than waste her time and money she could just as easily log on using mine which she did. I’m such a n*** guy. Oh and by younger woman it turns out she was fifty which is terribly young in these parts.

While we’re on the subject of wireless connections, the commercial provider for the hospital is a company called Fatport, Their rates are approximately $10 per day, $20 dollars per week, $35 per month and $70 for 3 months. Doing the math based even on my minimum projected stay the 3 month package was my best bet. This evening, my service disconnected and when I tried to get back I received a message saying my time expired. Rather than spend a hour screaming at the customer service helpline, I decided to sign up for another month and deal with it later. Once back on line, I emailed customer service about my problem. Within a half hour, I saw a reply in my in box. I just expected the standard receipt note that usually reads “We have received your email and one of our representatives will respond to your request when they are in the mood”. The reply was actually quite positive; not only were they going to credit my Mastercard but the sent a code for a free month that had no expiry date on it. Of course, I’ll have to find another location that Fatport services if I ever use it. As it is now I plan that once I get out of here of coming back every day and sitting in the lobby with my laptop until my three months are up. Hey I paid for it; I’m going to use it!

Getting back to my good deed and the kind of sacrifice I made, I was in the middle of watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show when Shannon walked in. Hey, I was only watching because I couldn’t get enough of Justin Bieber at the Grey Cup. Would I lie about this? This is the internet and everyone knows you can’t lie on the internet. I know that for a fact, because I read it on the internet.

Catherine was my night nurse again. The big problem now is I’ve been spoiled having two good nurses on both shifts for two days in a row. So I celebrated with a cookie, a couple of oranges and a little biue pill and went beddy-byes.

To be continued...